On a recent magical road trip to New Mexico with my daughter, I found this rock.  It’s the symbol of Eclipse: the power created from the union of dark and light.   Over the holidays I also finished a wonderful book Strengths to Strengths by Albert Brooks, and he speaks of Liminality: the quality of being in between two places or stages, on the verge of transitioning to something new.  A phase often associated with feelings of ambiguity and paradox, when one doesn’t quite fit or belong to any group.  An eclipse and liminality– yes, that was my 2023!   So what is my word for 2024?  

I’ve been wading through a challenging phase of life where I’m re-inventing, re-evaluating, and re-organizing my way of working, living, relating, and being.   It hasn’t been comfortable, and it’s been downright depressing and discouraging at times.  Yet my heart knows I’m on the right path for my personal and professional evolution.    

Change is never easy, even when you’re crystal clear it’s necessary and what you truly desire. We are programmed to fall back on old patterns and return to what we know, making it so much harder to grow into the new versions of who we wish to become.

A few months ago I uneasily posted on social media that I was in a dark place and struggling after what has been a difficult few years of moving, transitions, losses, and endings.   I didn’t share this for pity, but to be real about my life in contrast to what I normally would reveal — you know, the pretty party pictures with friends and family vacation photos that make it appear I lead a charmed life, all. the. time.  Yeah, right.    

Of course, we know perfection doesn’t exist, but often as we observe others’ public lives from the outside, we imagine ours might be lacking so we feel we should do and be more.  Have you ever tried so damn hard to be full of gratitude for what you have, yet with comparison, you wind up feeling empty and grasping to keep up?   We also may assume our sadness and feelings of unworthiness should be hidden away from the world, even from our friends and family.  And then we commiserate over the global pandemic of loneliness!

After posting my awkward reveal, I didn’t realize what I had unleashed.  Within hours, hundreds of people were reaching out, worried and wanting to know how they could support me.  Some shared they were feeling the same and thanked me for putting into words publicly what they had been feeling privately.  Others sent me books and quotes that helped them, and some close friends came over immediately to offer me company, a hug, and a meal.   Since that day I have felt more inspired, peaceful, heard, and understood than I have in over a decade!

What touched me was not only the deep compassion of people, some I haven’t talked to for years or even know well, but the shared personal struggles I realized so many were having.   One friend I have never openly told of my worries because I assumed she wouldn’t relate (her life always appears to be so easy and care-free), confided she has some of the same conflicts and challenges with her children and her partner, even though she isn’t a divorced single mom like me.  Through our real, teary conversation I realized that she did have empathy for what I was going through. Empathy and connection I would have never known had I not shared my truth. 

In my work as a holistic health practitioner for 25 years I’ve treated thousands of patients for their mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and trauma.   I struggled with depression as a teenager and young adult and experienced traumatic events as an adult, so I believed I understood angst and pain.   For years I worked through my issues with therapy and spiritual practices and could relate to many patients, helping them through their own emotional and physical challenges.  I thought I had “done my work.”  I was blessed with a profession I loved and I helped many people over the years, yet it had been decades since I had experienced a dark night of my own soul. 

Time to get back to work. 

I now practice psychedelic medicine and guide others through inner transformation, holding space for self-discovery and healing trauma.   You can only help others to the level you have helped yourself, so now is the ideal period to examine my unhealed wounds.  Wounds I quickly threw a bandaid on and powered through, moved on, made the best of a bad situation, or just removed myself from the painful experience or person so it couldn’t beat me down anymore- or so I thought. 

I am a survivor.  Since childhood, I learned to be strong and resilient- to look at the bright side of my challenges.  Many positive things have come through all my upheaval, including finally returning to my home in Colorado, where I feel most grounded and supported by authentic friendships.  Now that I have precious time and space to settle in, to just be, my unhealed trauma is bubbling up so I can finally face it and feel it more deeply, but this time not through the dysregulated and reactive nervous system I was operating in the past. I’m doing pain differently this time…with love and compassion for myself.

I remind my clients that problems are only an unrealized opportunity.  A time to ask for help, offer assistance, be vulnerable, express truth, forgive, establish boundaries, or not take something so personally. Through this lens of opportunity we grow – and we move through our liminality with more grace and awareness.  This is what I’m now experiencing firsthand, and it’s beautiful.

What is my word for 2024?   I’ve decided it’s ASK.   Ask for help.  Ask for forgiveness.  Ask for advice.  Ask for companionship and love.   Ask for exactly what I want, need, and desire.  Ask the important questions that need to be asked of others, even when it’s uncomfortable. 

Asking is the first step to receiving.   

*I also plan to dance more in 2024 💃

My blessings and love to you all in this new year of dark and light,

Amie🌞